WISDOM FROM THE CAPTAIN'S LOG

Want to know how I burnt a hole in the side of the bath with a satsuma?

You'll have to wait. First a bit of ancient wisdom.

I've taken to listening to Proverbs on my audio Bible. It's strange - today I couldn't get out of Chapter 25, and it was almost as though every single thought was dropping out of heaven like it had suddenly started raining diamonds. If you've never read it, you should give it a go.

The guy who reads it on the audio-version sounds like Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. I keep expecting him to recount how Solomon defeated the Borg with his great wisdom... and a phaser set to alternating frequencies.

Anyway, there was a lot to think about this morning, thanks to the Captain's log and Proverbs 25.

However, I would like a long pause between each sentence. Just as you're thinking about why a wise judgment is like apples of gold in settings of silver, Picard is telling you that it's better to sit on the roof than it is to have a nagging wife, and that good news from afar is like a snow-cooled drink at harvest time.

I was just thinking about the fact that I'd like to go much deeper into these things before hurrying on to the next one, when the Captain rattled on toward the end of the chapter, and in his best Shakespearean voice read out,

"It is not good to eat too much honey, nor is it honourable to search out matters that are too deep."

I chuckled to myself. That certainly is wisdom. And I do need more of that.

For example, the other day I ate a satsuma in the bath and wondered what would happen if I put a tiny piece of the peel in a tea-light. Yes, I bathe by candlelight with satsumas and a smooth classics playlist. No, I don't care what anyone thinks about that.

As I tried to relax in the flickering of the candles and the gentle rise of Vaughn Williams' Lark Ascending, I suddenly noticed that the orange peel was producing a four-inch flame and that the bathroom was starting to smell like caramelised Cointreau.

So I sat up, picked up the tea-light, immediately burnt my fingers, and dropped it into the water where it fizzed into darkness and steam, leaving behind a red-hot ring in the side of the bathtub.

See, wisdom required. More Proverbs tomorrow thank you, Captain.