"I think I should be a bit bolder," I said to Julian the other day. I was talking about the way I sometimes feel like I'm continually bending myself to people's expectations.
'He's a nice guy, Matt,' says everyone, so 'nice' I am. There's nothing wrong with that. And I could substitute all kinds of words I've heard that I'm okay with: wise, polite, talented, intelligent, sometimes funny, creative and smart.
But there are other expectations, aren't there? I'm diplomatic. And that isn't always the best thing. I'm quiet, and sometimes that's amazing, and sometimes it isn't. I'm sarcastic - that's hardly ever good. And I'm grumpy and nerdy and pedantic. And sometimes I think I'm funnier than I am, which makes me annoying. I know this.
"It's all about finding your identity then," said Julian, wisely.
"And then stepping into it... everywhere," I replied, "which takes some boldness."
I remembered Keith Green. When I was a teenager, I was really inspired by Keith Green, the gospel artist from the late 70s and early 80s. He was a musician who was not afraid to sit behind a piano and tell a whole nation that they needed to wake up. He was bold, uncompromising, full of integrity and unswerving to his beliefs - and God used him, in an incredible way. I got the feeling he would have been exactly the same without the fame or the notoriety. I loved that as a teenager. I wanted to be like that.
And I still do. But it takes a degree of boldness I don't currently have.
Julian smiled at me. I got the feeling it would somehow work out okay.
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