THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF REFUSAL

I've been thinking about something that I do without really thinking, so I'd like to clear it up.

I believe I'm very friendly and polite, and it certainly is true that I use those two things sometimes, to help avoid disappointment. I'm also a bit conscious that that makes it difficult to say no to me.

Of course, it isn't just me - it's cultural too. 'No' is the toughest word to use for all of us.

"Oh not really," we say, expertly skirting round the N-word.

"Let me think about it," sometimes means of course, 'I'm gambling you'll forget about it and move on.'

Meanwhile, "I'm not sure," sounds like it could go either way, but it we all know it rarely goes anywhere but back to the Big Bad I Said No.

Don't worry - we all do this; I do it too, all the time. It's very English, cloaked in the mystery of our double-loaded way of speaking - but sometimes I think a good old fashioned 'no' in the sentence might actually be kinder.

Just recently then, I've been very conscious of the pressure of asking people, nice people, to do a thing without making them feel like I'm forcing them to say yes. It's tough-going - the friendly coercion is still there!

So, I'd like to say this now - like a kind of manifesto and statement of intention, and I want you to know that I really do mean it:

If I ever ask you if you can help me, do me a favour, come with me, fill in a gap in a rota, make me something, or help me out... I am totally okay with you saying 'no'. No is now a completely, bona-fide, 100%-okay-with-me answer, and I love it.

Say no more often.

There.

I'm also going to start putting that exact thought in emails, just to get the message across. I don't want anyone to feel the pressure of agreeing to something. No is a great answer.

-

I would say though, that this brave new world of refusal does have a caveat. If the request is 'Help, I'm drowning, do something,' then I'd like to politely say now that an arm-fold next to the lifebelt, a shake of the head and a dismissive 'Noo'... will not be fully appreciated in the same spirit.

Other than that though, 'no' is the thing! Don't worry about my face looking disappointed; believe me it's had plenty of practice at that. And don't worry about the idea that you might have let me down. 'No' really is alright with me.