FIREWORKS NIGHT INTROSPECTIVE

I have a migraine again. I think it’s because I haven’t eaten well, and, oh, for some reason, two nights ago I was awake until the time began with a 3.

What a way to start the weekend - lying down in a darkened room with just my thoughts. And the irony of that condition being both the cause, and the consequence!

I’m supposed to be going to see fireworks. That isn’t happening. Then tomorrow I’m playing two hymns at a wedding. That is happening, but only because it has to. Hoping I’ll be alright.

I don’t like feeling depleted. Sickness separates us, isolates us, forces us to be alone, one way or the other. I’m not great at managing it, and, as introverted as I am, I just can’t bear being alone sometimes.

I was thinking about that this morning. I often joke with my manager about how the big cheese (the CEO) doesn’t know my name. If he does, in seven years, he’s never used it. Passing him in the office is like passing an acquaintance you know you ought to acknowledge - a quick eyebrow raise and a half-smile will do, but we’re a long way from a wave, a grin, or (could you imagine) a real conversation!

“Maybe I should go on more company nights out!” I half-suggested to Erica. “He’d know who I was then, I guess?” She smiled, knowing as well as I did, that that wouldn’t work either. And that those nights are pretty awful for people like me - I end up sitting in the corner wondering why I don’t fit in. If I’m not going to fit in, wouldn’t it be better to not fit in at home instead of a noisy pub?

Well. Here I am doing that instead of fireworks, with jumpy eyes and a pack of ibuprofen capsules. It’s different, I know.

I also wish I were the kind of person who could gather up the courage to actually start that conversation! Not just with the big cheese, but with anybody really! But too many times I’ve been socially rejected by people. I’m sensitive to that kind of thing.

See, Myers Briggs tries to separate us into introverts and extroverts, but I’m not actually sure it can be done - not really. Here I am, a clear introvert, an I on the scale, going crazy at home, because I need to be around people! 

And how many self-labelled Es out there would sooner be watching Netflix, than clinking glasses with jabberers? There’s a lot of context missing from those labels.

I can hear distant rattles and booms, and every now and again the sky outside my window fizzles and flashes. The more I think about it, the more I think that not going to a fireworks party because of a migraine, might just have been the right idea. Even if the bit of me that feels like an extrovert doesn’t like it.