I WROTE A LETTER TO THE BUS COMPANY

I reckon there’s a book idea in this: a compilation of letters people have sent to bus companies.

I’d have one to add today, after the Interdimensional Number Fifteen Omnibus was over an hour late and then one turned up and refused to let anybody on because the driver “needed a break”. I was bristling with irritation - which, you’ll admit, is at best, unbecoming. But he drove off and took his break in exactly the direction we were all going anyway.

I opened up a blank note and started writing.

There are two temptations to avoid with letters like this, I think. One is turning the sarcasm up to 11 as though you’re on Live At The Apollo. Don’t do this...

“While it filled me with rapturous joy to see the Number Fifteen splash past in the opposite direction with its many delighted commuters waving happily from those misty windows, I must say, I was less amused by the realisation that that meant I would spend forty more delightful minutes in the rain, wondering whether your buses were tumbling from the very edges of the flat Earth the people who plan your timetables believe in...”

For one thing that’s way too long a sentence. More importantly though, it’s rude, and not nearly as funny to read as you think it is.

The second trap is to go Defcon-1-Jack-Nicholson-Volcanic-With-Rage. Don’t do that either - nobody who’s not in an emergency responds well to being shouted at - swearing, exclamation marks, and over-emphasised words in capital letters get you and your cause absolutely nowhere.

Nonetheless, it would be interesting to see how people were creative in the way they complained to bus companies and the like.

I did write an email, but my tone was much more drizzle than sparkling wit, or Outraged-of-Tunbridge-Wells. I stated the facts without opinion or subtext, hoping that whoever read it would at least empathise with the situation. It read a bit like a report of a school trip by someone in Year 9. First the bus didn’t turn up, then the wrong one turned up, then we had to wait and it was cold and raining and... 

Anyway, it was a bit more sensible than that. I rounded off the facts like this...

“I appreciate that these things happen, and that traffic conditions make it difficult to predict timetables. What bothers me is just the lack of explanation. Think about it - a ten minute journey took two hours, and no-one can tell you why. A bus appears but the driver can’t explain why he can’t pick you up...”

“Could you tell me what’s going on with this, please? The service is usually much more reliable.”

I got a message back saying they’ll process it and reply, but I guess that doesn’t matter - what are they going to do? Send me a two-pound coin in the post? There was therapy in the writing anyway.

As often there is.